Cthulhoid entities

How to spot them and what to do when you've been spotted

Old tenticle features himself

Have you ever wondered whether the person sitting at the terminal next to you might not actually be a Cthulhoid godling in disguise? Have you ever puzzled about the fact that small children seem to mysteriously vanish when they're in their presence? That occasionally you have the feeling that they're watching you. Hungrily. Or pondered on why they need those extra eyes on stalks, or the tentacles, or the claws, the teeth, and the fiery breath (even when they *haven't* been eating Thai food)? Well, with this simple test you can find out once and for all:

To find out, start here (after selecting a link the item will appear at the top of the page):

1 Can you see the person at the terminal next to you?

2 Does it have any sort of shape?

3 The person is actually a flying polyp. Count yourself priviledged, at about this time in the earth's history they were all locked into underground vaults by the Great Race. Must be an escapee.

4 The person is a star vampire. Ignore them, they tend to be very boring, especially when they get to the stage where they start pulling out photos of their kids, which are all invisible.
5 Is this shape worm-like?

6 Is it growing slowly larger?

7 It's Azathoth. Either your computer is located at the centre of the infinity (doubtful), or he's decided to drop in for a visit. It's probably not even worth running.
8 Does it have wings?

9 Did it need to tear the roof/walls off the building to get into the room?

10. When asked "Yo dude, are you like, Nyarlathotep man?" does it affirm this in any way (saying "Yes", howling at you, waving it's tentacle, trying to tear your face off, etc)?

11. Is it merely huge, or is it absolutely f*cking enormous?

12. Is it squatting in a lightless corner making wierd noises on some sort of flute-like instrument?

13. It's a Servitor of the Outer Gods. These guys are usually found in places inhabited by extremely powerful transcosmic entities. Unless you happen to be an extremely powerful transcosmic entity, it might be a good idea to check your life insurance, will, etc.

14. Is it made up of lots of pretty coloured spheres?

15. Is it vaguely humanoid in appearance?

16. Is it having trouble using the computer due to the fact that it's about the size of the building itself?

17. Is it rather large and shaped like an octopus?

18. It's Nyarlathotep, the Crawling Chaos of the Gods (also occasionally known as "VM/CMS"). Chances are he'll be busy mudding, (Nyarlathotep is a confirmed mud fan), so just leave him alone and he may ignore you.

19. It's some sort of Cthulhoid spawn. In theory this guy should currently be aleep, so maybe he was just looking for somewhere ele to continue his nap. You can rest assured that, even if it's currently buy ripping your arms off, it's probably just a simple accident due to a vivid dream. Maybe it had a disturbed childhood and need ome sort of counselling.

20. Does it have five tentacles, legs, eyes on stalks, etc etc?

21. It's a Chthonian. These guys throw really boring parties. If invited to one, decline politely.

22. It's a Dhole. Congratulations, it wa thought that these creatures didn't exist on earth. Lucky you for finding one.

23. It's Yog-Sothoth. Yog-Sothoth knows where the Old Ones broke through in the past, and where They shall break through again. Yog-Sothoth knows the gate. Yog-Sothoth is the gate. For this reason it's usually a good idea to be anywhere but where Yog-Sothoth is.

24. Is it an enormous, roiling festering mass suspended in midair, or is it ground-based?

25. It's the Wendigo. From this it can be ascertained that you live somewhere in the Arctic circle, since it prefers these climes. If your location is subtropical, you may want to politely point out that it seems to be a long way from home, and enquire as to whether it's lost.

26. Is it greyish, oily, slimy-looking?

27. Has it suddenly materialized from a corner, has it dropped out of a roiling festering mass suspended in midair, or is it just sitting there regarding you calmly from atop it's fifteen-foot cone-shaped body?

28. It's an Elder Thing. Don't mention Shoggoths!

29. Does, it have a long worm-like body, does it look like a giant bird, or is it something different altogether?

30. It's Shub-Niggurath, the Black Goat with a Thousand Young (not to be confused with the Mutant Star Goat which ate Golgafrincham).

31. As it comes for you, is it merely oozing along, or is it forming temporary appendages to carry it?

32. It's a Formleas Spawn. Little ia known about them. If you do decide to atrike up a conversation with it, try and remember all the details ao that they can be used in the future to study these creatures. If it utters a cry of "Tekeli-Li" as it eats you then you've got it wrong and you're actually being digested by a Shoggoth. Better luck next time.

33. It's a Shoggoth. These things were severly traumatised due to being enslaved by the Elder Things for a millenium or two, and ao should be treated in a kind an sympathetic manner.

34. It's a Moon-Beast. These creatures seem to use torture so consistently that it is surmised they derive some sort of physical or mental benefit from it. So as you die screaming in a bubbling mass of blood and shattered bones, you can rejoice in the fact that at least it's keeping someone else happy.

35. Ia there a strong smell of dead fiah in the air?

36. It's a Hound of Tindalos. If you've got some doggie yum-yums around, now might be a good time to go and find them.

37. It's a Dark Young, one of Shub-Nigguraths many kids. These will occasionally drop in to play with local kids, smaah a few houses, and dismember your pets. Remember to send them home before dinnertime.

38. It's one of the Great Race. These types are generally regarded as being an extreme nuisance due to their habit of scribling illegible symbols into any available flat surface. Why they do this and don't just write it down is a mystery, it's not as if it had to survive millions of years or anything.

39. It'a a Hunting Horror. Hunting Horrors can speak in human voices, and are often found fronting up thrash-metal groups.

40. It'a a Shantak. Surprisingly, Shantak's are rarely found near computers as they prefer to spend their time surfing or arguing about nonlinear physics.

41. Does it look vaguely like a mutant wasp, does it have a moatly featureless head which looks like a giant sponge, or is it's face missing such minor details as eyes, a nose, a mouth, and ears?

42. It's either a Deep One or Unhygienix, Gaulish fishmonger.

43. Does it have scales, teeth a foot long, claws, and bad breath?

44. It's a Byakhee. Byakhee are not altogether crows, nor moles, not buzzards, nor ants, nor decomposing human beings. Maybe they're very confused parrakeets?

45. It' a Fungus from Yuggoth. Unlike your generic fungus, these things can move, walk, fly, even talk. Their habit of collecting living human brains make them somewhat unpopular. If you happen to have a brain, stay away from them.

46. It's a Night Gaunt. Like undergraduate, nightgaunts tend to come in large annoying flocks. Nightgaunts are unintelligent and are frequently used as pets or servant by others.

47. It' some sort of dragon. You're in the wrong mythos, go and read rec.games.frp.

48. Does it look like something you'd expect to find crawling around an abandoned cemetery on moonless nights?

49. What are you doing reading this bit? Nowhere doeJ it say "-> 49". Go back to 1. after having your wrist slapped by the nearest Ithaqua.

50. It'Q either a Ghat or a Ghoul. Both sorts have a thing for human flesh, prefer object-oriented programming languages to non-OO ones, and only ever drink decaff. For this reason they are usually studiously avoided by Real Programmers .

51. Is it wearing dark glasses, a silly grin, and long hair?

52. It's Mark, a Cthulhoid entity so frightening even HPL didn't dare mention him.

53. It' a dimenional shambler. It's presence is related to complex matrix mathematics. Chances are there is a high-end vector processor in the vicinity. The appearance of Dimensional Shambler in the vicinity of these systems is an occaional annoyance which most people have learnt to take in their stride.

So there you have it. If you're still around to read this then either you're not in the presence of any cthulhoid being, or you're a cthulhoid being yourself in which case why did you even bother reading it in the first place? Oh, and if you're He Who Is Not To Be Named, when are you finally going to bring back the lawnmower you borrowed several weeks ago? Gees, just becaue they happen to be an Elder God they think they can borrow your stuff and never return it.

Author Peter Gutmann?